What should you do when you're not catching fish? I mean after you've changed tactics, flies, leaders, location, attitude, fishing partners, hat, and the set of your jaw line.

There you are having a great time in the out-of-doors, enjoying the sunshine, the birds, the babble of rushing water--so why do care whether your catching fish or not? For most fly fishers, the answer is obvious: you're worried that other anglers will think you're a doofus; "Old Fred is still skunked. He's so uncool."

So to help out other anglers, I offer five tips on how to appear cool when you're not catching fish.

1. Switch from a nymph to a dry fly. If you're not going to catch fish, it's better to not catch them on a dry fly because dry flies are more cool then nymphs. If you're casting a dry when trout aren't rising, people will think you're a purist. Purists are superior to ordinary folks because they always do things their way regardless of whether it works or not. Mules are purists.

2. Switch from a dry to a nymph. Trout started rising, and you know that it's only cool to be fishless with a dry fly when trout won't rise. So when the hatch is on, tie on a nymph. Tell people, "Only the dinks are rising. The hawgs are taking 'em subsurface." Put on a crooked, knowing smile and say, "It's about quality, not quantity." If they ask how many you've caught, look at the sky and go, "Heh-heh-heh."

3. Forget the trout and focus on steelhead. The nymph and dry are both failures, so now you go after steelhead. If you're not going to catch fish, it's better to not catch big fish. It's okay to not catch a steelhead because no one expects you to catch one anyway. They'll think you're cool for trying, though.

4. Take photos. Suppose trout have thumbed their noses at your dries and your nymphs, and your arm is tired from casting for steelhead. Now put down the fly rod and pick up a camera. Photographers are arty types, and art is cool, especially with the ladies because they'll think you're sensitive. The type of camera is critical; a digital point-and-click is not cool. At a minimum, you need a high-end Nikon or Canon. A tripod is essential. To be really cool, use a 4x5 Toyo Field camera; a vintage Linhof is even better. Note that you don't actually have to take photos; in fact, the camera doesn't have to work. You set it up in a shady spot (on the tripod; very important), and plunk yourself in a chair next to it. Read a book. Tell people "I'm just waiting for the light to get right." They'll think you're brilliant and arty. And cool.

5. Write. Always carry a clipboard with a pad of paper. When all else fails, get out the clipboard and jot down some random thoughts. Any thoughts. A grocery list, even. Tell people you're a writer. Writers are experts, whether they know anything or not, so people respect writers, and think they're cool. They're almost as cool as photographers and the equipment is cheaper.


These are time-tested tactics. I use them all them time. In fact, today I'm on the Deschutes River, where the trout have rejected my nymphs and my dry flies, and my arm has grown tired from casting to non-existent steelhead. So I've set up a chair in the shade of a cottonwood. Next to me is a Linhof 4x5 camera on a tripod. The lens looks like a large cat attacked it, the shutter is broken, the bellows leaks, and the back is cracked; I got it for $37 at a garage sale. My clipboard is in my lap and I have started to write. The top of the page reads, "Five Things to Do When You're Not Catching Fish." It's a subject I'm an expert on.

Now that's just plain funny right there. Another good entry UF! Keep em coming.

Add in a pipe to #4 and #5. You don't even have to be smoking it, just have it laying on the table next to your writing pad. Instantly adds 10 points to your mystique rating.

E

damnnnnnnnnnnn................ ok, thanks fuzzy. i knew i was doing something wrong. i found a clip board and a legal notepad here at the house and am searching the ads now for a tripod. i've also taken monica's full length mirror and set it up in the carport next to all the old washing machines with a chair in the shade so i can practice the look. i plan to apear like an elitist with a profound & thoughtful, but i'm busy don't bother me look, as possible by the time i hit east lake.

But i have one question - Where can one leave a letter of introduction, so that all who approach can see that I have been asked to join Mensa ???

moon

That's clever.
I love it!

Great concept for a thread ... it's why I like my drift boat. No matter the fishing, I can get some rowing in.

Funny stuff! Don't listen to Moon, though. He's too busy running up and down the banks heckling his fishing partners to worry about looking cool!

Dave

Great piece!

The next logical things might be. . .

#6. Have a guitar propped up on the tree behind you. You don't have to play it, just have it within your proximity. Even if you're throwing big fat, sucky loops like Moon, you'll still be perceived as proficient, and of course, cool. Also works at parks and bus stops.

#7. Sketchbook. Create a half-finished sketch of something, or have someone that can actually sketch sketch something on your pad. Doesn't matter what. Keep your head down and look intent. You're so cool that you'll be nearly unapproachable.

That is most excellent! Thank you Scott.

What a riot!

I am now a writer/photographer!

Hugh

concentrate on suckers, chubbs, and squawfish. They never let ya down.

You'd think so, but see this article for a true story of a search for whitefish that yielded nothing but pesky trout.

Just make sure you aren't writing on a spiral notebook... To get real points you need to have a real "Note Book" to write in.

And for drawing... you also need something more than a pad of paper...Especially if the paper has either lines or is cross hatched... You need a drawing "Book/Pad". They have heavy covers, are lumberous and then there is the cruxdegras... a box "beat up" containiing your dwg tools... charcole, smudger, and of course everything is worked down to the nub. Makes you look like you have been doing this for DECADES....

Just don't let them read or see your work.... that will be a dead give away.

Would an old school typewriter be too over the top?

E

hahaha, yes those danged trout. I remember fishing for suckers on the McKenzie and those blasted things kept getting in the way.